16 Things You Would Not BELIEVE this Idiot from Philadelphia with Two Brain Cells has Done in His Fifth Week of Quarantine
1. Run
4/5/bike/4/5/4/6
Those were his mileage counts in the past week. He says his “legs are feeling good” and “he’s not feeling injured,” but this idiot doesn’t realize that that’s not even his quote! That’s a Citius Mag thing! What a fool!
2. Cook
This freaking jamoke made brownies. How frivolous! Who makes brownies in a time of CRISIS? THIS GUY, APPARENTLY! All day he does nothing but play video games and try to stay hydrated, then takes time trying to plate his 67 cent ramen so it looks appealing and doesn’t make him want to cry. Why deviate from the norm? Just cry!
3. Play Stardew Valley
While he’s tapered off a bit since last week, this absolute cretin has still been piling on the hours in Stardew Valley. He’s gone through a whole year in the Valley, and he STILL hasn’t even unlocked the greenhouse by completing the Pantry at the community center. What a bum!
4. Contemplated Death and his own Mortality
HA, this guy, oh…
5. Brushed his Teeth
Teeth. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. This guy brushed his teeth 14 times! Who does that?
6. Found some semblance of inner peace
Yeah, while we were all doing INTELLECTUAL things, like studying and crying, this WHACKO settled a lot of his inner turmoil like some kind of SIMPLETON. Doesn’t he know that NORMAL people always have inner turmoil? Hrmph!
7. Thought About Trains
Choo Choo. Trains are pretty cool, so he gets a pass on this one.
10. Lost Count While Writing a Listicle
11. Started Trying to Improve Himself
Get a load of this one! While we are already very good, this guy thinks that he can actually become a better person with more useful skills to a field he decided on last minute after spending three years in college studying… not that field? What even is GIS? Why would you want to learn GIS after studying linguistics? Weirdo
12. Joined a ListServ
Doesn’t get much more Brandeisian than this ladies and gentlemen! The kicker? This isn’t even a Brandeis ListServ! Imagine being so starved for the “college experience” that you join extra ListServs. Can’t be me.
13. Cried
You… you okay bud?
14. Logged
Wait, no, the other kind of logging.
Much better. He writes down how he “feels” and how his “life” is “going.” What a square.
15. Did Virtual Trivia
Can you believe this? He did virtual trivia with some of his friends! Cute! It’s like he can just pretend he isn’t so, so alone. At least his team won during track trivia and… he got second overall individually at Stein Kahoot Trivia? HOW???
16. Responded to His Friends’ Updates
@Nat: That is easily one of the 5 coolest stoves I have ever seen.
@JoLo: Aren’t you “Big Fish”? Seems appropriate.
@Erika: Thank you for including section headers
@Casey: Thank you for pushing the form forward. The student is becoming the teacher
@Portland: I’m also taking a Harvard class (you’re using EdX right?) about Urban Planning! By taking, I mean I signed up, get weekly emails, and never watch any lectures.
@Andrea: I really want to go down to Memphis or New Orleans and just eat my way through the city. I love BBQ so much, and Memphis is one of the two BBQ capitals of the Country (the other being Kansas City, MO, but I have plans for a completely level Kansas that involves bisecting KC with a 900 foot cliff, so that’s right out). I really miss ribs. And Fried Chicken. I changed my answer, I want a Federal Donuts Fried Chicken Sandwich.
@DC: Once I am emotionally ready to invest in a new TV show instead of watching old Community episodes, I’ll check out The Wire.
@Drips: I’d say you should listen to Apollo XXI by Steve Lacy, but it’s a more extreme logical end of what Blonde is (hella vibes, but musically… frustrating; the good songs are too short, the boring ones are too long).
