No Mom, I don’t Have a Drinking Problem: Brain Up
Sup y’all, we’re doing a non alcoholic beverage this time because alcohol is really punishing for my body in a very specific way, so I wanted to switch it up and punish my body in a new and exciting way: energy drinks.
A little background: I’m really sensitive to caffeine. I actively avoid it because when I consume more than the trace amount in something like, say, a bar of chocolate, it makes me… antsy. My first experience with a lot of caffeine came my sophomore year of college, where I drank about a fifth of a bottle of one of those Dunkin Iced Coffee bottles. I couldn’t read for 15 minutes. My second real brush with caffeine was when I tried a Five Hour energy at work. It didn’t say it had caffeine anywhere on the bottle so I assumed the B vitamins were doing the heavy lifting. I was wrong. I spent the next hour shaking damn near uncontrollably and trying not to have a panic attack in the middle of my fucking shift. I did not get the advertised five hours of energy, but instead one hour of caffeine induced dread and then a crash that left me worse than when I started. Naturally, I thought it would be appropriate to document something like that the next time it happens. This brings me to Brain Up. Brain Up is an energy drink I know nothing about other than it has a bunch of crazy shit in it like L-Carnitine.
First: tasting notes.
Bubblegum, Sugar, Chemicals, Cotton Candy, and according to my roommate Aaron, “so unnatural I hate it”
Nerds candy, Pez, Smarties, and a healthy dash of what the actual fuck am I putting into my body and getting myself into.
Weirdly sour, very fine bubbles
Honestly, it’s not as bad a beverage as I thought it would be. I certainly wouldn’t drink it for only the flavor, but… it could be worse.
The real reason we’re here, however, is that I’m fully intending to document this whole caffeine buzz.
Cool, I just chugged a full 12 oz can of Brain Up. No real effects yet.
Not sure if this is a placebo effect or this stuff is really particularly crazy, but I’m starting to feel something in my cheeks and jaws. This is going to be a really strong body high. Heart rate is currently 72 BPM
I can feel restless energy in my arms and legs. My initial compulsion is to just kind of wave around like one of those wacky waving inflatable tube men, but my better judgement tells me no. My right leg has been shaking for about 3 minutes at this point
My restless leg is getting more restless. My arms are getting to the point where I might need to rip some pushups so I don’t go absolutely insane. This was a bad idea. I hate this. The things I do to my body to entertain you people. I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I have made today
Gonna be completely honest with you folks, not a lot has changed here. My face feels almost a little more full, my right leg is shaking harder, but I think the fact that my writing has pretty much caught up to where I am in real time is helping me direct my energy into something productive. Heart rate is holding steady at 73 BPM. (Oh, did I not mention that I’m writing this article as it’s happening? These are live updates)
I have started listening to Me and my husband by Mitski. I don’t know if this was necessarily the right call given my current agitated state, but it’s where I am at the moment, and who am I to deprive myself of basic pleasures in this moment of need. Heart rate is slightly elevated to 80 BPM. I have not moved from my chair since 5:08. Great, now Strawberry Blond is on and BOTH of my legs are restless. I’m so fucked, I’m in for a world of suffering.
Nobody by Mitski is now playing, I sat down right as the opening lyric “I’m so lonely” played. It rang true. I tried to move down into the basement to check on my laundry and it was a deeply uncomfortable experience. I have clearly lost a shocking amount of fine motor control, and I moved rather abruptly, yeeting myself down into the basement. It smells like death and detergent down there. My first set of sheets and towels are still drying, but my second set is still in the washer, dripping wet. I put them up for a spin cycle. Heart rate is now 95 BPM. I should do something productive while I have this manic energy.
My right ankle itches. I am struck by the incredible stillness of the world. Is the fridge behind me still humming? Let me pause my endless stream of Mitski to figure it out. Heart rate is back down to 71 BPM.
The fridge is still humming, I can no longer feel it though. Hm. Heart rate is now 69 BPM. Nice.
I stood up. Big mistake. My heart rate shot up to 80 BPM and my ribs feel weird. I’m going to go do some chores (finish putting my clothes away, possibly sweep and roll my spare change).
My arms are shaking. It is proving more difficult than usual to put my laundry on hangars. I can’t tell if I’m moving faster or slower than normal. The Mitski effect, if you will. HR 88 BPM. This is significantly more enjoyable than 5 Hour Energy. I sneezed and nearly shit myself. BRB.
The rest of my clothing is put away. My arms are no longer shaking, but somehow my entire torso and only my entire torso is? Maybe I’m shivering. HR 88 BPM. Mitski slaps. No poop came out when I tried to shit after my close call with the sneeze. I hate my brain for doing me dirty like that.
Room swept. Found 65 cents and more broken glass under my bed than I expected. Feeling focused. HR steady at 80 BPM. My room needed this TLC, this is the most productive I’ve been all week. My phone’s charger seems to be dead, which is a huge bummer because it means I’m going to need to get another charger tomorrow. I’d do it while I’m HOPPED UP on Brain Up, but the problem is it’s already dark out and I don’t want to get run up on by the Waltham Walloper so I’m gonna have to sweat this one out a little bit longer. Fuck.
Bad news folks. I don’t think it’s going to change much at this point. I think I’ve balanced out enough to just be focused enough for the night. My face still feels a little bit funny, but this is definitely not as bad as the 5 Hour Energy I drank. Maybe I’ll follow this article up with a 5 Hour Energy gonzo review. If I do, I’ll come back and link it here.
I’m sorry this wasn’t more than it was, but if you made it this far, congratulations, and thanks for tagging along this journey with me. I wish you a pleasant evening, and bid you farewell.