Top Five East Asian Despots that Dennis Rodman Totally would have been BOYS with if the 1998 Chicago Bulls Capped Off Their Second Threepeat in a Different Year
As some of you may or may not know, Dennis Rodman and North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un are buddies. If it weren’t for the fact that Kim has is on numerous human rights watch lists and has generally been absolutely horrible, the pairing looks like the setup to a really great buddy comedy that I would totally watch.
Sadly, Dennis Rodman really only could have been boys with Kim-Jong Un thanks to the ’98 Bulls. However, had the Bulls capped off their 6th ring in eight years at a different time, perhaps things could have been different…
5. ’20: Hồ Chí Minh (Vietnam)
It seems strange to start here. What the hell does Ho Chi Minh (diacritics excluded here) have to do with basketball? Glad you asked. The answer: nothing. Sure, he spent some time in the US, but this was not a man who cared for sports. No, after meeting Marcus Garvey, Ho Chi Minh was a man on a mission: make Vietnam Communist. Even though he was not a huge hooper himself, I’m sure he and Dennis would have bonded over their goals: Ho Chi Minh had Communism, Dennis had rebounds. Isn’t rebounding (taking from the ball hogs and giving to your people) just the Communism of basketball? Some food for thought there.
4. ’61: Pol Pot (Cambodia)
I know what you’re thinking: “Harper, how could you allow the Bulls (who didn’t exist at the time) to not only take a big chunk out of Bill Russell and Auerbach’s Celtics’ legacy and erase one of the few titles Philadelphia has?” Worry not, dear reader, it will all make sense in due time. Admittedly, Cambodia and basketball go together like applesauce and drywall. They’re just not two things you really associate. But at his core, our dear genocidal dictator Pol was just like you, me, and Dupree: he too, wanted to play basketball, having played growing up. While Pol did not have the same reverence for American basketball teams as Kim did, I’m sure his crimes against humanity would have made him best of friends with the Worm.
3. ’63: Ferdinand Marcos (Philippines)
Here’s Ferdinand Marcos. He and Dennis actually have a lot in common. Dennis Rodman had a habit of stealing, both on and off the court. Marcos stole billions of dollars in wealth from his people. If you think of an Asian country and basketball, your first thought should be “China.” Your second thought, however, should be the Philippines. Both of them have habits of spending lots of money and making outrageous claims. I’m sure these two would have gotten on great.
2. ’79: Kim Jong-Il (North Korea)
Where did you think Kim Jong-Un got it from? Kim Jong-Il was a big fan of basketball, and at one point was brought a Jordan signed basketball by Secretary of State Madeleine Albright (lucky). Admittedly, Kim Jong-Il might have been more of a Jordan guy, but the point remains: BIG Bulls and basketball fan+BIG cult of personality dictator = being good pals with the Worm.
1. ’39: Mao Zedong (China)
Was there ever any doubt about who this was going to be? Mao Zedong was hell bent on keeping China strong and well defended. Dennis Rodman was a man hell bent on keeping the Bulls dominant and… well, well defended. Two people who were both focused on having their nation/team become as dominant as possible, with an absolute stranglehold on the nation(al basketball league). If there is an Asian country you associate with basketball, it’s China. It goes without saying that there has perhaps not been a dictator with a stronger cult of personality than Chairman Mao. We’ve established this earlier, but it bears repeating: BIG Bulls and basketball fan+BIG cult of personality dictator = being good pals with the Worm. Now, Mao wasn’t a big basketball guy, but he wanted China to be the best at everything. If the ’98 Bulls were anything, they were the best team in basketball.
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